Posts Tagged ‘STBX’

A little Christmas Cheer for the STBX.

As for the girls, like you, I also don’t think they need their father.  You mentioned some nonsense to me before about how daughters needing their daddy’s but I am sure you were just trying to manipulate me into doing something for you at the time and you could not have really meant what you said.  Your present actions speak louder than some wayward conversation we may have had in the distant past anyways.  You and I both know that the courts think the same way and that fathers are an unnecessary component to any child upbringing.  Also the courts are never concerned with the wellbeing of men or how they will be able to survive nor should they be.

Maybe you have another man to replace me that you think would be better for them, or maybe he romances you better than I ever did.  Women in their 30’s are easily finding good husbands to marry them, and you are still relatively attractive for your age so you should have no problem meeting that perfect man to marry you.  And you won’ t even have to settle for any man you’re not head over heels in love with like you had to do with me.  Either way, as you expressed to me numerous times you want me out of their lives, so I am out, and I am making this choice willingly.  That means I don’t want to know anything about them and of course I don’t want any of the responsibility.  You cannot have your cake and eat it too you know.

So I decided that because you don’t want me in their lives I should just forget about them and just go back to the life I was living before we met, which was actually quite fun and exciting before meeting you.  I figure I can enjoy being a bachelor like I did before, partying with various young women doing what I want without consequence and I won’t have to worry about kids or anything else but myself.  It’s not like I would ever get the full commitment of any woman in my life.  I have even been thinking again about getting a vasectomy which I seriously wanted to do before I even met you.  That way I won’t have to be concerned with any more sudden and unplanned surprises.  Anyway it’s not like you really wanted to have sex all that much, nor will we ever do so again in the future.  As for remarriage, I see no point as it was a mistake the first time marrying any woman, because this is what always happens to us men or at least 90% of us because you women often are the ones who decide you don’t need us anymore for whatever reason.  Plus it’s just not popular to marry anymore.  We are only good for sperm donations and its time men should realize this and quit complaining.  The Rules have changed after all, plus I am sure you feel regret for not being able to have more fun when you were young.  I knew the risks, as did you.

Divorce is a good thing because your happiness is the most important thing you can ever strive for and Tara, you do deserve happiness irregardless of what you might have to do to get it and regardless of what anyone may think or say about what you are doing.  You have your pride after all.  Some people won’t understand all the crap and abuse you had to go through being married to me and how you say I committed adultery by looking at porn.  They may even try to tell you the kids will be messed up from their parents splitting up.  Don’t listen to them.  They do not know what they are talking about.  I know before you left me you had thought a lot about how much better your life would be without having a husband (like me) to think about.  Now that you left you are living the dream and soon you will be able to cash in.  All the power to live your life as you see fit is yours.  You have seen so many other woman succeed at what you’re doing such as your mother and my mother and things are good for both of them so why won’t they be for you too.  Both of them ended up very well I think.  Their children are no worse for going through the experience and most of their hardships were only temporary.

I thought this would be the best present I could give you and the girls.  As soon as you file for divorce and expedite its review, you can take everything I have left and rape me with child support payments I cannot afford, nor will I ever pay.  Then I will have to leave the area or maybe even the country for somewhere that’s more interesting so I can be free from you and the man.  I know if I sell the rest of my stuff I can live comfortably in Thailand for a few years or more.  I see no reason to stick around here seeing as I won’t have any more contact with you or my progeny as per your desires.

This letter is not a joke or a parody, quite the opposite.  This letter is just my acceptance of the present reality of the situation, our current laws, and your general dislike and disregard for me.  I suppose it’s the last stage of my grief and all of that so I am now good to finally move on.  I am happy I have finally gotten to this point.  Again this is not a joke, I feel much better about my being single again.  Aren’t you relived that I finally accept the inevitable and will give you the girls 100% so I can go off and party and do my own thing and leave you alone?  That is what you told me you wanted after all so as a gift I am giving it to you.  Sorry I didn’t have a bow.

BTW, Merry Christmas.

By: MonkeyWerks

This is my first real post on here.  I would have liked to written about something else, but I came across this article that spurned a lot of emotion in me because this was the key excuse my wife used to justify her divorcing me.  The comments are far more illuminating than the article actually.  It shows just how the Christian women think of sex, their husbands and sexuality in general. It will also show you how secular woman think about sex and their husbands.  The Christian men all seem like weak beta’s that are controlled by their wives.  Just going by these comments I would never marry a Christian woman, and if my new wife joined a Church™ I would swiftly have to divorce her because her indoctrination into feminism and all other man hating beliefs would be all but assured.  I told my STBX wife many times that she was way more fun to be around before she found Church™.

This article and many others like it encourage the entitlement and judgmental attitude and are nothing but divorce porn for geared primarily for Christian women.  So as you read the comments to this article you will see several common themes emerge.  These comments show several important things in the way Christian, SoCon and TradCon women think.  These women are just pro-life feminists anyways.

The first is that these anti porn women seem to agree that a man does not need sex.  He may want it, but it is not a need for any man, and men should be severely admonished if they don’t have the self-control to be involuntarily celibate, and they act to relive themselves.  They also agree that a wife is not obligated to have sex or give up sexual intimacy to their husbands at any time.  Sex is only permitted if the wife desires it.  I guess they do not understand what the bible says about sex in marriages and the necessity of having sex often, because at the end of the day, humans are sexual beings and we generally lack the self-control to be celibate long-term.  One man even likened what the bible stated about the necessity of sex in marriage to a man raping his wife.

Another reason these women hate porn is power, power over their husbands sexuality.  It is when woman are allowed to have this power over a man who these same women abuse it by not satisfying the sexual needs of their husbands.  It also sets the marriage in a frame that will minimize the husband’s authority over the family.  Such as anal sex is a sure-fire way to assert dominance over your wife in a way she will also enjoy, if she would just relax, a man must exercise authority over his wife and family and keep this frame at all times.  And yes, most women I have spoken to actually enjoy some butt cocking.

Women want to control men and they do that by attempting to control our sexuality, either by withholding or granting sexual intimacy when sex can be used to the woman’s advantage.  It has nothing to do with a woman actually enjoying sex with their mates or using the act of sexual intimacy as a bonding mechanism in order to strengthen the relationship, it is about the control the woman seeks over the man through his sexual desires.  The stronger a man’s sexual desires are for the woman or the more limited the man’s options, the stronger the woman’s control is over the man, such as wife and her husband.  This is truly the scariest thing about marriage for a man, or it should be.  A domineering wife will destroy their husband in short order, and most men will just let their own destruction happen and wonder why afterwards.  There is a minority of women who realize they have this power, yet they use it constructively, responsibly and to the benefit of the entire family and to the other spouses benefit, which in turns benefits the woman with a more loving, loyal and attentive husband.  Now what wife wouldn’t want a more loving husband?  It’s a shame more woman cannot get out of their own way when it comes to their marriages.  I guess with the messages fed to women on a daily basis, it is no surprise they are so deluded.

Two of the tools theses woman to gain this power is shame and guilt.  Many of these women, who just like my wife, would call men who look at porn perverts, accuse of possibly being child molesters and make many other unfounded and illogical accusations.  They of course can never debate using facts and logic, and they will never take responsibility of the state of their own marriages.  Why should they when they can just blame their husbands for everything, because they are special snowflakes.  This woman even called for white knights to silence the object of her vitriol.  These women use the Church™, twist bible scriptures, anti porn articles and the over abundance of Christian marriage books in an attempt to convince their husbands that even looking at another woman will send us men straight to hell, and if we do the woman are encouraged and justified for breaking up their families and walking away with cash (alimony and child support) and prizes (his children).

At no time will any of these woman look at themselves or their own behaviors.  They will not look to see if they are at least attractive, such as being overweight and wearing sweats all day.  They also refuse to consider that maybe their husbands need more stimulation and more excitement, such as maybe doing more than just missionary and giving more blowjobs when hubby comes home from work.  Nothing motivates me more to love her that when my lover drops to her knees right after I walk through the door.  As with my wife, she thought missionary was all that I would ever need, and that is precisely all that I received the majority of the time, with some “are you done yet” thrown in as extra motivation.  My wife would throw me a duty fuck once a week, but after a while I realized that masturbating to porn was much more satisfying than literally masturbating with a practically dead corpse.  At least I could pretend someone liked me.  Having an unresponsive lover is probably one of the worst things I have ever had to deal with long-term.

This brings up another thing.  When our wives are sexually unresponsive to us it damages our sense of self-worth and our self-esteem as men.  We begin to think, “is it me, am I that bad of a lover?” regardless of our sexual experiences in the past satisfying other woman.  I was so deeply damaged after years of my wife’s total lameness in bed that I spoke to an escort and she agreed to give me an honest grade on my performance.  I even asked her if we could schedule regular meetings.  I never went through with it, but for years I really though I sucked in bed.  It was soon after she left me I started fucking any woman who would sit still for an hour.  It did not take long to see that I was never the problem.  My enthusiasm having sex with these women was positively off the charts.  After more than 18 months and several lovers later, I can say that my skill and stamina has only improved.  Sex is something I again look forward to, as my lover actively seeks out sex with me as much as we can get together.  It was with her I was also able to get rid of most of the shame and guilt I felt for having my natural masculine desires, and enjoy being with a lover that enjoys sex as much as I do.  Ironically, my lover has no problem with porn and I no longer feel a need to look at it or masturbate.  She takes care of all of my sexual needs and then some.  Although I may take care of myself if we can’t get together for a week or more, she saves all of her sexual energy for me and I try to save all of mine for her.

These narrow and damaging views seem to be shared among almost all Christian women.  These women shame their husbands for being men and haven the sexual needs that normal men have.  My wife shamed me for wanting enthusiastic sex with her.  Exciting to me is still pretty vanilla I have realized.  I am thankful my current lover encourages me to express my sexuality to its fullest in a loving and safe manner with her.  I am still amazed and grateful at the same time for her and my other playmates.  From the comments I have read from women against porn in general they are judgmental, harpy and critical women.  I know what their husbands feel and these women attitudes just fuel our desires for more porn as a means to escape from our wives.  It is these women’s attitudes that create the very obsession with porn that they are complaining about and obviously threatened by.

The movie Fireproof has only encouraged this phenomena of Christian women doing everything they can to destroy their marriages and justifying their behavior afterwards.  Christian women seem to actually divorce their husbands even more than women in the secular world (50% secular vs. 60% Churched™ divorce rate), which I find astounding and deeply disturbing.  With such encouragement coming from the Church™ and other Pseudo Christian writers and movies, I am no longer surprised my wife took the same road when destroying our family for such frivolous reasons.  Here is one such Christian counselor that openly encourages women to divorce their husbands if their husbands refuse to follow the wife’s leadership.  This is one reason I tried for years attempting to convince and cajole my STBX wife to attend another Church™ with me.  Obviously my attempts failed miserably, but not for lack of trying.  It’s funny and sad at the same time that as I was attempting to lead my family pursuant to solid biblical doctrine, my wife, unbiblical mind you, assumed full leadership when she refused to leave her Church™  as I directed her to so we may as a family attend another Church™  that did not teach in such an unbiblical manner.  I guess since my STBX’s Church™ was started and headed by a female pastor, my wife was never around any truly Godly women who could have taught her true biblical submission, but immoral woman who encouraged her rebellious and evil actions.  Everything my wife believes in her faith contradicts what the bible actually states very clearly.  It is no wonder why she dismissed my biblical teachings I was sharing with her, she never believed the bible was inspired by God in the first place.

My STBX wife had always had a problem with porn.   For many years I did not understand why.  She is feminist after all, but I was never able to understand her aversion to porn and only recently began to understand her core issues.  Most of her issues were her insecurities about herself.   That became apparent when she would complain about porn.  Another issue which was prompted by her beliefs compelled her to see porn as objectifying women in general.  The last reason was her beep seated desire to control everything about me and my sexuality.  When taken together, a perfect storm was brewing in her mind.

I would be remiss if I did not mention my own issues with porn.  I used it as a release when I couldn’t be bothered with picking up woman in the past.  In combat it was also used as an escape of sorts.  When I first returned home from overseas I didn’t need it so much.  When my wife and I were dating she was reasonably enthusiastic about sex.  She was by far the best lover I had, but I was figuring that with what I saw she would improve as she became more comfortable with her own body.  After we married, I was proven to have been wrong.  Although sex with her was reasonably good, there was a definite lack of enthusiasm from her and she was unwilling to be adventurous about sex.  The comfort I was expecting for her to find never materialized.  Instead she seemed to become more sexually repressed.  Even to the point of refusing to wear bikini’s and opted for one piece bathing suits when we were living in Hawaii.  Come on, women are essentially naked on the beaches there, as they should be.  Anyways, porn became a bad habit for me, one that I needed to break, but I needed my wife’s help by her being more sexually available to me and actually enthusiastic about sex, which she very rarely was.  I personally don’t have a moral issue with porn, but for me and my sometimes obsessive personality, it was important for me to greatly limit my porn use, or even eliminate it entirely.  However for me to do that would have required daily doses of getting in my wife’s panties, which she was very opposed to.  Porn does have its uses, but as with my marriage, it was a symptom of bigger issues in the relationship.  I just never realized it at the time because of all the white noise coming from the Church™ and anti porn people and of course, my own wife.

In general, excessive porn use is bad.  I found when used daily, it does dull ones sense of desire for their mate.  This makes sense on many levels.  Men who masturbate frequently smell satisfied on a primal and pheromonal level.  This can have all sorts of negative effects, such as reducing your wife’s attraction to you on this same pheromonal level.  As with all vices, if abused, it will cause problems just like alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. However, I believe the excessive masturbation is more harmful than the porn used to facilitate the arousal for masturbation.  Of course I would be negligent if I did not state with certainty that if a husband needs porn and masturbation regularly, there are far deeper issues in the marriage than the porn or masturbation.  These issues need to be addressed first, before a man would be able or even willing to cease looking at porn and masturbating.  If the issues were positively dealt with his necessity for porn would likely be eliminated because he would be chasing his wife around trying to get in her panties, not watching some fake chick on his computer screen.  I have yet to meet a man who prefers pictures and videos to a real warm and wet woman who he is in love with, especially if she is still the wife of his youth.

I need to address adultery.  A man who looks at porn is not adultery.  You cannot twist scriptures to even make it sound close.  Any contextual and correct reading of scripture will support this.  Equating porn use, which could be a form of lust like looking at a nice rack on another woman, to adultery is only being used to justify Christian woman divorcing their husbands.  Secondly, as I alluded to I am not yet legally divorced.  There are several reasons why I have not filed yet, which I will write about in the future.  I have no idea why she hasn’t filed yet to be honest, but nothing she has done in the last 24 months makes sense to me anyways.  Also my STBX have never spoken about anything unless we are arguing over parenting time, read- telling me I can’t see my daughters, or she is demanding money from me and me laughing at her afterwards.  She and I never had any conversation that would indicate she wanted to stay married.  In fact she wanted me to do all the work to prepare for the divorce s she would not have to pay as much to an attorney.  The entitlement continues, even in the death of the marriage.

The day she walked out I was abandoned and we were spiritually divorced.  It was when she left, I was not only tempted to have sex, I physically needed to have sex with real women, and lots of them.  Having sex out of wedlock may be fornication, but with all the basterdization of Christianity and the fucked up Church™, the immoral family court system and our fucked up society in general encouraging women to be sluts I will never marry again, but I will have sex.  I just hope to keep my sexual relations in a loving monogamous relationship.  I don’t think God will bust my balls too much for that.  Either way I am no longer constrained by any of my previous beliefs or limitations which have been shown and proven to be fem-centric and serving only to women.  I still love my STBX wife, I can’t help it and I actually liked being married to her most of the time, but I am a realist and I know now our marriage was doomed from the start and is now dead.

Stay tuned for a future article analyzing how my STBX’s wife’s Church™  was pivotal in the failure of my marriage and how Christianity and the Church™ in general is bad for men, families, women and our society in general.

By: MonkeyWerks

First off I would be remiss if I did not give you some tools to save your marriage.  If that’s not possible or you choose not to continue to THE LIST

What to do when divorcing your wife

This is a good checklist of what men should consider doing when divorce is in the air.  Many of the items listed here should be done even if you and your wife are happily married because at some point she may not be haaaappppy any longer.  I did some of these things during my marriage and it worked out well in these instances.  The things I did not do caused me problems.  Ignore at your own peril.


WHY ARE YOU HERE?? This is not a silly question. You are about to learn a whole new meaning of the term, “rebuttable presumption,” and why it applies exclusively to you in Family Court.

Trust me; you’re in for the fight of your life. If you’re not prepared, you can bet the other side will rebut you right out of fatherhood and into poverty. Your children, with your current and future finances, will be out of your life forevermore.

Your goal therefore, demands a strong offense. This requires dedication, support, “pro-active” planning, and lots of research. In other words, PREPARATION IS EVERYTHING!!

The following list is neither conclusive nor is it exhaustive. For that matter, not all of it will apply to you. Nevertheless, its intent is to get you to think, ask hard questions, and above all, to be prepared. Copy it. Print it. NEVER let your STBX see it.

What ever you do, NEVER LEAVE YOUR MARITAL RESIDENCE unless ordered by the court!! If you do, your STBX is free to do unto you as you are about to do unto her. It’ll be a mistake that’ll cost you dearly.

If you’re not THOROUGHLY prepared, the other side will find your weakness and work you over. Their primary purpose is to “soften you up” and get you to give up custody WILLINGLY!! “THEY HAVE METHODS!!” They’ll even recruit your attorney and get you to sign documents you’ll
later regret. If you’re not prepared, and if you fail to choose your attorney wisely, there’ll be nothing left of you when they’re done.

If your STBX files first, she’s already plotted her next 10 moves against you. This is not where you want to be. If she files first, you can expect:

1) a restraining order that evicts you from your house and prevents you from contacting your kids.

2) to pay temporary child support, temporary alimony, community debt, and/or bills accumulated by your STBX during these proceedings. This can be 1 to 3 years. You’ll be bankrupt well before trial.

3) to pay court costs and other fees, in addition to expenses mentioned above: GAL; Custody/Child Evaluator; Psychological evaluation; Your STBX’s attorney fees.


Their goal is to “bleed you dry” and beat you into submission. You’ll never see the last of their dirty tricks. It behooves you therefore to be very prepared very early.


If you’ve got “skeletons” in your closet, prepare accordingly, ahead of time. Do likewise with your STBX’s skeletons. Gather all incriminating info while you can. Never give her the opportunity to cover her tracks.

For starters, develop an EARLY GAME PLAN to win custody. Execute your play according to YOUR timetable. Pick your shots. Make them count. Timing is everything. Keep the other side off balance. This is very important.

Lay out a trap-line for your STBX. Perpetually work on setting her up for the fall. You know her weakness. Bait her!! Give her every opportunity to make a mistake. Spring your trap in front of the camera and in front of witnesses. Document everything.

Everything must be documented in a WELL-WORDED journal. What you write must be factual and correct. At trial, your journal will be a valuable source of events, dates, and patterns of behavior. Your journal should also contain surprises to keep the other side off balance. Most
importantly, your journal will discredit fabricated testimony and lies you can expect from the other side.

Along with your journal, gather supporting evidence with photos and videos. Put a trace program on the computer and a recorder on the phone. Don’t be afraid to record phone calls. Make it your business to know where your STBX goes in cyber-space. Above all get witnesses, especially professionals involved with your STBX & kids. You may want to hire a PI. A visit to your local spy shop will be very worthwhile. Think of it as an investment.

Your journal, together with supporting evidence, will help you. More correctly, they will help your attorney. Remember, your attorney is only as effective as the information you give him. If he gets little from you, you can expect little in return.

Type and/or otherwise arrange journal notes well in advance of trial. Reserve plenty of time to review your journal with your attorney. You must bond with your attorney, and he must bond with you. Both of you must be “reading from the same page” between now and trial. Be sure save your original journal draft. You may need it.

YOUR JOURNAL IS THE TEMPLATE OF YOUR CASE!! Guard it carefully. It contains secrets the other side would love to have. Above all, BEWARE of so-called “neutral third parties,” like the GAL or Custody Evaluator. These thugs are anything but neutral. They will specifically target their report and/or testimony to discredit everything you’ve written. To guard against subpoena, address each page to your attorney. Remember, the primary purpose of your journal is to rebut and/or otherwise discredit the lies and fabricated testimony that’ll come from the other side. THIS IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE!!

Never sign anything the custody evaluator asks you to sign – even if it’s a scrap of paper that states you agree to XYZ conditions. This is a trap. Anything you sign becomes a bona-fide legal document that will be used against you in court.

PLOTTING DATA (patterns of behavior) from your journal:

It’s very important to have supporting evidence to back up your documentation. Photos and witnesses are ideal. However, you can’t always count on people, nor can you count on having a camera when you need one. Therefore, you must build your case with what you have. YOUR JOURNAL!!

If done properly and consistently, your journal becomes the heart and soul of your case. It is filled with important data. This data shows your STBX’s pattern of behavior over time. In other words, you can scientifically predict how your STBX will behave based upon the data you’ve collected. Remember, when plotting scientific data of any nature, you can expect surprises. Remember, surprises are what keeps the other side off balance.

Data from your journal can be plotted on a graph, a pie chart, or bar chart. For comparison, it’s a good idea to use all of the above. You’ll need Excel software.

Plotted data are much easier to interpret, both for the judge and your attorney. Plotted data show large blocks of evidence at a glance; ie, parenting history/behavior. This helps rebut the built-in bias of the system, and scientifically supports your bid for custody.

Keep in mind, a single “judgment error” will NEVER get the judge’s attention. However, a “PATTERN” of well-documented judgment errors, supported by evidence, will make a difference.

Remember, neither the judge nor your attorney want to sift through endless streams of relatively “meaningless” journal data. Consider your audience. It’s up to you to make things as easy as possible for them both.

SET YOURSELF UP TO WIN!! Pay attention to detail. Follow through on leads. Don’t get side-tracked!! Use only what works for you.


1) Get involved with a network of parent educators.

2) Make time for play dates and/or parties. Invite parent-chaperones who will observe you as a Superdad in fine form. Make sure mothers are invited. Ideally, they should be solidly married, above reproach, and will not be disparaged for having an affair with you.

These are great sources for collateral witnesses.

2) Enroll yourself and/or your kids in classes/counseling/treatment as necessary: Parenting classes; Co-parenting classes; Anger management; Counseling for kids caught-in-the-middle; enroll in a Children’s First program; Alcohol/drug treatment. Read contemporary books and literature
on the above subject matter. Take the initiative. Become informed. Do whatever it takes. Don’t wait ’til it’s too late.

3) The most important witnesses are court-appointed professionals, so-called “neutral third parties.” They include; the home study evaluator, the forensic evaluator, the custody evaluator, the psychologist, the play therapist, and the GAL. Tread lightly with these people. They are
anything but neutral. These thugs are “GOD” in determining custody decisions. Keep in mind, the judge is gonna rule whatever they recommend. They live by one fundamental principle, “Dads be damned.”

Whatever you do, NEVER agree to any form of binding mediation. You’ll be giving up all your rights to further litigation. You’d just as well sell your soul to the Devil.

From the beginning, you must “attempt” get these witnesses on your side. They are the “tie-breaker.” Truth be known, it’s their job to insure the race isn’t even close, much less a “tie.” Nevertheless, do your best. Be sure to document everything.

a) It’s their job to not like you.
b) It’s their job to fabricate lies about you.
c) It’s their job to soften you up and trick you into giving up custody before trial.

Remember “rebuttable presumption?” Some state’s statutes declare both fathers and mothers have an equal right to parent their children. In this phase, that right is summarily taken from you. In other words, the game is rigged. It should come as no surprise, gender discrimination is rife within the Judicial Branch of Government.

With that in mind, you might consider hiring a private custody evaluator. The idea is to bring conflicting opinion/testimony with you to court. This is one sure way to minimize a GAL’s highly biased testimony/report.

Additionally, make sure to get documentation/history of any violence, both physical and/or verbal/psychological. Is your STBX any threat to herself, to you, to your kids, or to anyone else? Evidence of this nature is critical to rebut an already biased GAL report/testimony.

I’ve heard of ONE (1) favorable recommend from a GAL. This dad was a school teacher. He was thoroughly professional and very well connected. Additionally he graduated with “honors” from parenting classes and had become a state-certified foster parent. In other words, he had credentials the rest of us don’t have or can’t get. The GAL liked this dad because he was “one of them.”

In family court, the average “Joe Six-Pack” has a 90% chance of losing. That’s why your journal and witness list are of the utmost importance.

Here’s another example. Risky? Hell yes! But the results are what counts.

Both Parties agreed, together with the judge, to allow the final custody decision to be handled by a custody evaluator. Dad’s attorney was familiar with this evaluator and requested that she hear testimony. STBX’s attorney also agreed with the request.

The evaluator met with both attorneys prior to taking testimony. She strongly advised that the Parties settle ahead of time. (Note: This is why you never agree to binding mediation.)

At this critical moment, Dad’s attorney revealed the existence of a detailed journal together with a substantial body of evidence. He suggested the Parties walk away with dignity and share custody between them. As a result, Dad’s STBX agreed to share both physical and legal custody without the evaluator deciding for them.

Dad’s guess is that his attorney had spooked his STBX in prior courtroom encounters. She gave up without a fight, certainly not because she wanted to. Of that, Dad is sure.

The lesson here is that Dad’s attorney had taken the initiative to thoroughly study the journal well in advance. As a result, Dad’s attorney was convinced that the journal would tip the balance in an occasion such as this.

Thus: a detailed journal + a good attorney + strategy = Victory

There was another dad that “bought” his STBX out. He got the house, the kids, and everything for $70K. Still another dad got out of paying alimony for a mere $11K. I realize this sounds like a lot all at once. But over time, it’s a bargain. Remember, let your attorney handle the negotiating process.

MOVING ON: Your WITNESS LIST must be exhaustive. Other than court-appointed professionals, people that see you with your children and/or otherwise know you personally are going to be your best witnesses. Remember, not everyone will support you, nor will they be available when you need them.

Potential witnesses include: Extended family; neighbors; day care, school professionals; parent volunteers; medical professionals; adult activity leaders.


This is war. You must approach this as a top-secret military operation.

1) Thou shalt not raise any suspicions. DO NOT TELEGRAPH YOUR INTENTIONS.
a) Thou shalt not tell anyone what you’re up to, ESPECIALLY YOUR STBX.
b) Thou shalt not share information with anyone about anything.
c) Thou shalt take care of business like nothing’s going on.

2) Thou shalt not get side-tracked. This is “crunch time.” Manage your time wisely.

3) Thou shalt maintain thy Poker Face. Get prepared for the long hall.


Have minimal contact with your STBX. NEVER be in a position where she can allege domestic violence of any kind. It’s best not to be alone with her. Always have a witness with you.

1) Be very careful when you are alone with your STBX.
a) She can file false domestic violence charges “at will,” and have you thrown in jail.
b) She can get a restraining order “at will,” and have you kicked out of your house.

2) “Thou shalt ALWAYS bite the bullet.” At the same, “Thou shalt ALWAYS be bulding thy case.”
a) Thou shalt not argue. Thou shalt not fight. Thou shalt not provoke thy STBX.
b) Thou shalt go the extra mile to be civil. Thou shalt be Mr Nice Guy.

3) Never engage in any form of business with your ex, no matter how much the deal “appears” to be in your favor. It will be a trap you’ll regret ’til your dying day. Remember, there ain’t no free lunch. You can always expect a pay-back down the road.


1) Get involved with your kids as much as possible.
a) Assume the role of primary caretaker well in advance.
b) This’ll set you up for primary, if not 50/50 shared primary custody. This is your goal. Never lose sight of that!!

2) Make everything you do in the best interest of your kids. Always go the extra mile.

Give your STBX a day off every week. “That’s OK, Honey. I’ll take care of this. Why don’t you go shopping?” Take advantage to document parenting time, and snoop around when she’s not home.

The following sites offer charts to document parenting time and other relevant issues. Use them to help plan what you need to do.

“Cardinal Rule” No 4……. GET CONNECTED!! STAY INFORMED!!

1) Familiarize yourself with Family Laws, Administrative Rules, and court procedures.
a) You must understand the court process and how the family law system works.
b) It is your responsibility to know anything and everything that applies to you.
c) Mastery of your state’s Family Code will confer advantage to you in the courtroom.

As a father, you have rights. However, the goal of the judicial junta is to deny, and/or otherwise undermine those rights; ie, “rebuttable presumption.” You’ve gotta be prepared.

2) Read books on winning custody. Read only those that work for you.

3) Get connected with a dads support group. This helps you stay focused. It’s the most important thing you can do.
a) With networking, your proactive effort becomes leveraged exponentially.
b) Whether you gather or share, information is the prerequisite to constructive action.
c) Hang out with winners. When things heat up, you’ll need their support.
d) AVOID losers and “nay-sayers.” They’ll drag you down.

4) BEWARE of your limitations. Find out what works for you and what doesn’t.

You’ll never survive if you do this alone. As discussed above, court-appointed professionals are not what they seem. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing. They have no conscience.


BEWARE OF WOLVES IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING. BEWARE of attorneys who “claim” to know everything. They talk the talk, but don’t walk the walk. Remember, you want results, not a compromise. Take your time. Shop around. Ask hard questions. Make your choice carefully.

Your attorney’s specialty should be representing fathers in family court. HE MUST KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. He shouldn’t expect a large retainer. He should tell you his win/loss record as well as your chances of winning. He should tell you his billing policy. He should be well-connected. He should know judges and court-appointed professionals; GAL’s, custody evaluators, psychologists, etc.

It’s no secret. Attorneys are 99% of the problem. So……

1) Be prepared, well in advance, BEFORE you choose an attorney. Know what to expect.
a) Above all, watch for “RED FLAGS.”

2) Your attorney works for you. You must know ahead of time what you want and stick to it.
a) Never allow your attorney to dissuade you from your ultimate goal.
b) Never display “eager-to-deal.”
c) Never allow your attorney to drag the process out unnecessarily. For starters, get a trial date set ASAP. Don’t haggle over “little things.” Stay focused. Keep the pressure on.

Be prepared to tell your attorney everything, especially the truth. Be prepared to follow his advice.

3) NEVER “assume” that your attorney will know everything.
a) Most of your knowledge will come from your support network; i.e., experienced fathers who have tenacity and know the ropes.

4) Never expect your attorney to do “everything.”
a) Manage your case actively and personally.

5) If your attorney advises you to take the “high road,” find another one ASAP.
a) THIS IS WAR!! If you’re gonna lose, go down fighting dirty.

6) Find a paralegal who’s father friendly, one who’s experienced with family law.
a) As you know, some nurses know more than doctors. The same hold true for paralegals and attorneys.
b) Find one you can count on. This is an important Plan B resource.

7) Speaking of Plan B, ALWAYS have a back-up for everything. You never know when you’ll need it.
a) If you have doubts, NEVER think twice about getting a second opinion.
b) For that matter, never think twice about getting a different attorney.

8) As things progress, assess your chances of winning; best case versus worst case scenario. BE REALISTIC!!
a) If you have a “reasonable” chance of winning, then go for it, and go early.
b) If you have “serious” doubts about winning, then settle early. Cut the best deal you can.

9) NEVER expect fairness from your STBX, much less fairness from the Family Court system.
a) Realistically, your chances of winning are 3 in 100.
b) If your ex is a junkie, a < edited >, a 3-time convicted felon, or any combination of the above, she’ll win custody 97% of the time. These numbers are realistic.

This gives you some idea of what you’re up against. Remember, you are at the mercy of Family Court thugs. The system is designed to degrade you and to bankrupt you. They’ll force you spend your money any way they can. Like the “dog” that you are, they have tactics that bring
you to “heel.” THEY DON’T LIKE YOU!!


You know your STBX better than anyone. You know what’s important to her. You also know her weakness. Between now and trial, you will find that your STBX is “her own favorite charity.” Her greed will soon become evident. Learn to exploit that to your advantage. For now, find out
what she wants.

At this stage, your STBX’s “wants” are potential bargaining chips that can be exchanged later for things of importance to you, like property division/alimony.

Above all, never give her your children. They are not bargaining chips!! They are non-negotiable!! This is not open for discussion!! Stick to your guns!!

1) NEVER give, nor agree to give, anything to your STBX unless:
a) the judge orders it.
b) you get something of significance in return.
c) you get it in writing.
d) you get it from your attorney.

Remember at this stage, ANY conversation, agreement, or discussion MUST go through your attorney. No matter how much you hurt, never let your STBX back into your comfort zone.

2) Keep a list of everything you give to your STBX. Use items on that list as bargaining chips later on.

During the course of your marriage, giving freely to your wife was second nature. You never thought twice about it. Today however, she is something other than your “wife.” Nevertheless, she still expects this “arrangement” of giving to continue. Worse yet, court professionals think this way too. You’ve gotta be careful.

For example, if you give her “this” today, tomorrow she’ll ask for “that.” She’ll nickel and dime you for every “little thing,” one piece at a time. It’ll never end. Before you know it, she’ll have all your “bargaining chips” and you’ll have nothing. BEWARE of this trap. You need to terminate this practice immediately. There’s a time for property division. That time isn’t
now. NEVER GIVE YOUR STBX ANYTHING!! Stick to your guns.

Remember, bargaining chips are very important. Individually, they may seem insignificant. Collectively however, and when “cashed in” at the right time, they WILL make a difference. If a bargaining chip has value for her, then it CERTAINLY has “value” for you. Never forget that.

Nevertheless, “IF” you must give her anything, make her sign a receipt for it. Think if it as an “advance” in property settlement. Be sure to list the item’s “replacement cost.” That receipt is now a bona-fide “document.” Use it later as a bargaining chip when you divide community property. When the time is right, you can make her pay dearly for all those “little
things” she took in advance.

“Cardinal Rule” No 7……. YOU FILE FIRST!! This is of the utmost importance.

For starters, you are forever the plaintiff and she’s the defendant. That’s a good thing. You get the opening shot. You design the playing field. You’ve got the momentum.

1) The secret is:
a) do not relent.
b) Maintain the upper hand.
c) Set the rules of the game.

Remember, there’s no guarantee that you’ll prevail on every issue. But it’s much better than starting the game on her terms.

2) A good lawyer is essential.

3) It’s extremely important to you know want and that you are in a position to direct the outcome.

HOWEVER, file ONLY when you’ve got a solid game plan, and ONLY when you’re ready. In other words, you pick the fight, when and where, on your terms. You want “home court advantage.”

Surprise is everything. If you catch her off-guard, your STBX will be playing “catch-up” ’til trial, and beyond. THAT’S THE WHOLE IDEA!! If you’re thoroughly prepared, and follow-through on details, she’ll never catch up.

Remember, if you get temporary custody at this stage, and if you’ve done your homework, and if everything goes according to plan, your chances for permanent custody are virtually assured. All this of course, depends on your attorney, your journal, the thoroughness of your strategy/game plan, and your commitment to active case management. Meanwhile…..

Get complete information on your STBX and children: Full names, aliases, maiden and nick names, other names used; dates and places of birth/death; Social Security numbers; Driver’s License numbers; etc.

Get every document you can think of. Leave no stone unturned. Some documents will be difficult, if not impossible to get. If/when you get stuck, move on. Do your research well in advance, BEFORE you separate. If you are thorough, you’ll reap huge dividends at trial.

Store ALL documents in a safe deposit box in your name only. These include:

1) Tax returns for the last several years.
2) Marriage license; pre-nuptial agreement.
3) Documents from your STBX’s previous marriage/divorce.
4) Birth/death certificates.
5) Passports, green cards, immigration documents.
6) DMV record(s); criminal history.
7) Thorough background check on your STBX. Hire a PI if necessary.
School records; college/high school diploma(s); transcript(s).
9) Medical and life insurance policies; will(s).
10) Deeds; titles; leases; contracts.
11) Bank statements; stocks, bonds and securities.
12) Retirement, pension, IRA, 401K, Keogh.
13) Credit report.
14) Family photos; heirlooms.

Make sure you have passwords/access codes to ALL computers, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. Try them out. Make sure they work. Reset computer passwords with new software.

Get the following for your children:

1) Recent photos of your children, in clothes they typically wear.
2) Documentation of their physical descriptions.
3) Social Security, Student Body, and State ID cards.
4) Medical history, related info, and documents.
5) Immunization records.
6) Health history and/or special needs.
7) History of behavioral issues.
History of prescription medication.

CONTACT INFO for STBX and children: friends; extended family; service providers, doctors; school, counselors, day care; etc. If your STBX runs off with your kids, you’ll need to track them down.

STBX’s previous marriage and children:

1) Is she getting alimony and/or child support? How much? Paid by who?
a) Can she get alimony re-instated from her previous ex?

2) What was the value of her property settlement? What did she bring into your marriage?

3) Were any of her past debts serviced during the course of your marriage?

Remember, issues like these can, and do make a difference in property settlement. More importantly, this info might show “bad faith” or “intent.” In other words, is your STBX is using marriage as a means of embezzlement or early retirement? Are you her next target?

STBX’s school & job info:

1) Level of education/continuing education.

2) Current level and duration of employment/unemployment/underemployment/non-employment status.
a) Salary history and benefits package.
b) Career path.
c) Job skills.
d) Anticipated raises and/or promotions.
e) Anticipated career/job change.

3) Document willingness, or lack thereof, to become employed, better employed, or otherwise permanently self-sustaining.
a) You want to minimize potential alimony and child support as much as possible.


Take inventory of everything you own. List the difference between “cash value” and “replacement cost.” There is a difference!! Back-up your written inventory with videos, pictures, and appraisals. Store everything in a safe place.

COMMUNITY ASSETS: Are they greater than you think? Where did it all go?

Before, or during your marriage, did your STBX set up any form of “asset protection” where she is named beneficiary? Remember, assets could be in her name or under an alias. Perhaps a friend, a relative, a bank, or an attorney has assets “buried” for your STBX under an alias, or within a corporation? These are all good places to hide marital assets:

1) Real estate.
2) Stocks, bonds.
3) LLC’s, corporations, trusts.
4) Businesses; ventures. partnerships.
5) Off-shore holdings; bank accounts; investments.


During the course of your marriage, did your STBX, or did your STBX force/insist that you:

1) Give/piss away monies, assets, or property of any kind?
2) Did she waste money on herself? eg: college, clothes, jewelry, or cosmetic surgery?
3) Did she spend money on an outside relationship?
4) Did she waste money on a home business?
5) Did she forge your signature on any checks or documents?
6) Did she waste money on failed drug/alcohol treatment?

Remember, issues like these make a difference in property settlement.


Make a thorough list of assets, equity, debt, monthly income, and expenses. List everything, including names that appear on each document. Don’t forget student loans and day care. Your list must include: current values; dates of acquisition and purchase price; payment and income history (paid by/earned by who?). Your list must be exhaustive!!

Note: Any debt acquired during your marriage is a community debt. A student loan however, is more complicated. In essence, you are taking an “asset” with you and leaving a debt behind. If you anticipate paying child support and/or alimony, you could argue the increased income is a
direct result of this asset. It is therefore simultaneously captured thru the debt, i.e.; your greater income potential would not be possible without the accompanying debt. Obviously, the other side will argue for higher support and leave you with your mountain of student loan debt
at the same time. In other words, they want it both ways. Chances are, the judge will agree.

Real estate: Purchase price; equity; down payment; mortgage balance; monthly payment; maintenance; improvements; etc. Get your house appraised. Apply for refinancing. The numbers won’t be equal. Such differences can be significant in property settlement.

Also include: Vehicles; boats; RV’s; condo time shares; business/partnership interests/equity; credit cards; stocks & bonds; bank and investment accounts; jewelry and other items of value; etc.

Don’t forget: Debts; gifts; inheritance; any type of “windfall;” lottery winnings; etc.


a) If you take the “high road,” you will lose.
b) If you compromise, you will lose.

2) Once you file, keep the heat on. NEVER let up on your STBX.
a) It’s up to you to maintain momentum and keep pressure on your STBX “CONTINUALLY.” Your attorney can’t possibly do this for you. This is your fight and yours alone.

3) Filing first sets the tone for the entire process.
a) The chances of winning or losing depends “SIGNIFICANTLY” upon who files first.
b) Filing first gives you distinct advantage. You control the high ground.
c) NEVER compromise your position nor your advantage.

4) As D-Day approaches:
a) Entice your STBX to voluntarily leave, WITHOUT THE KIDS. Bribe her if necessary.
b) While she’s gone, clean out the house, take the kids, and file your court documents.

5) The moment D-Day arrives, you become “THE TERMINATOR.”
a) You instantly change from Dr Jeckyl to Mr Hyde. No more Mr Nice Guy.
b) NEVER show mercy. Take no prisoners.
c) This is war!! NEVER LOOK BACK!!

6) File your family court documents with the court clerk. Be sure the clerk date-stamps your documents. Then:

7) Go immediately to ex parte.
a) Get a temporary restraining order against your STBX.
b) Get temporary orders for “exclusive occupancy” of your house. That means your STBX gets evicted from your marital residence.
c) Get orders granting you temporary sole custody of your kids. Say she is unfit and a risk to the kids due to ___________ (you think of something).
d) Get temporary orders for supervised < parenting time >.
e) Get orders for temporary child support and temporary alimony.

8) Give copies of your restraining order to the school, daycare, your employer, etc.
a) Notify anyone involved with your kids that you have a restraining order against your STBX.

9) Change all locks and alarm codes on your house and car.
a) Change passwords on everything, especially on bank and credit/debit cards. Deny your STBX access to any form of money.

10) Get a vicious dog that barks at your STBX.
a) That’ll keep her from snooping around when you’re not home.
b) Reward him to reinforce that behavior.

11) Get a new, unpublished phone number. Route all mail to a new PO Box.

12) Have your STBX’s mail stopped.
a) Return her unopened mail to sender.

13) Remove your STBX’s name from your health, life, vision, and life insurance policies.

14) Remove your STBX’s name as beneficiary from your retirement accounts.
a) Remove your STBX’s name as beneficiary from your will.

15) Inform companies with whom you do business that you want new passwords on your accounts; insurance, bank, etc. Instruct them that passwords must be used before releasing information or changing anything.

16) REMOVE ALL cash from joint accounts.
a) Close all joint credit card accounts.
b) If any accounts are in your name, but where she is authorized, cancel her.

17) Remove your name from the title and insurance for any car your STBX drives.
a) Remove her name from the title and insurance for any car you drive.
b) NEVER ALLOW your STBX to drive any car that is in your name.
c) NEVER be responsible for your STBX’s driving behavior. From now on, she’s a liability.

1 NEVER OFFER your STBX her clothes and/or personal necessities. Wait ’til she asks.
a) Make her sign a receipt for anything she takes. NO EXCEPTIONS!!
b) Store her personal belongings in boxes. Set them on the sidewalk where she can pick them up and leave immediately. More importantly, she’ll have no reason to roam through your house.

c) Release her belongings ONLY if she signs a receipt, and ONLY if she has a police escort.

19) File charges and PROSECUTE your STBX for any domestic violence. DO NOT DROP any charges.

20) Inform your employer that you want your calls screened.
a) If your STBX calls, call the police and file a restraining order violation. DON’T EVEN THINK TWICE!!
b) Use your employer’s receptionist is a witness.

Do all of the above. Leave no stone unturned. These measures set the tone ’til trial. Cut off your STBX’s money and resources early in the game. Do anything and everything that hinders her bid for custody. THIS IS WAR!! NEVER LOOK BACK!!

MEANWHILE: Focus on the basics. Fine-tune your game plan. Work on strategy. Keep it simple.

Don’t forget, ALWAYS HAVE A CONTINGENCY PLAN for everything (Plan B)

Get your financial house in order. Clean out/close out everything, especially joint accounts. Take “convenience” out of purchasing. This includes credit cards, on-line purchasing, and other “lines-of-credit” you’ve established over time. This vicious cycle must be broken.

Except for essentials, don’t buy anything. If you must buy, pay with cash. Pay all bills the old-fashioned way. Write a check and drop it in the mail. Keep a record of bills that get paid.

“IN YOUR NAME ONLY” – Route all mail to a new PO Box. Get a new cell phone. Keep it secure. Use it for “IMPORTANT” business only. Open savings and checking accounts at a different bank. Get a new safe deposit box to store cash, valuables, and documents. Open new Visa & Mastercard accounts. Use them only for “EMERGENCIES.” Get a line of credit as large as you can. Rent a storage locker to stash large items of value. Remember your inventory? Manage it closely. Get new passwords for everything, including credit cards, PC, & ATM.

STASH YOUR CASH in your new safe deposit box. Another option is to open a “secured” Visa/MasterCard account. The bank takes $XXXX.00 from one account deposits it in an interest-drawing “trust.” Meanwhile, use the credit card as usual up to the secured dollar amount. You can deposit additional funds as they become available. This/these transaction(s)
don’t “appear” on bank or credit card statements. There’s just less cash in your account.

MOVING ON – Convert what you can to cash. Think, “D-O-W-N-S-I-Z-E.” Sell everything. Pay bills and reduce debt as much as possible. Save all receipts and bills of sale. You may need to account for everything later.

THIS MEANS: Cancel subscriptions and non-essential services. Cash in stocks and bonds. Sell the Lexus, the Suburban, the RV, and the boat. Sell your time shares for the condo, jewelery, china, and silverware. Include anything and everything you can think of. That means “boy’s
toys” too. You’re not gonna have time for them once the proceeding begins.

Before selling your house, convert your equity into cash by refinancing. You’re gonna need it. Remember, there’s no guarantee that a sale will occur any time soon. For that matter, there’s no guarantee you’ll get your asking price. Furthermore, with commissions, taxes, fix-up and
misc expenses, your equity could dwindle to something far less than you expected. It’s best to cash out while you can.

The idea is to liquidate what you can ahead of time, while you have time. You won’t have that luxury later. The time to sell is BEFORE you really have to. If you wait ’til the last minute, you’ll be selling at a deep discount.

Keep plenty of cash on hand so there’s no paper trail. You’ll need this for “emergencies.” For starters, earmark $10K for attorney fees and court expenses. Expect to need more later.


Now is a great time to consider career options. They may be offered at work, or you may have to be creative: early retirement; continuing education; sabbatical; voluntarily lay-off/termination. Collect unemployment, severance package, restructure your career path. Do anything to minimize gross pay and maximize time spent getting prepared.

Postpone raises and promotions (if possible). Get your employer to tuck away a percentage of your salary where it can’t be touched. Think, “asset protection.” The idea is to minimize child support and alimony payments. You can return to your career path when this is over.

You may want to cash out your retirement/401K. Your STBX is gonna get half. You may as well get the other half. Your “rainy day” is here.

I know this sounds like a lot. It is. There’s a lot at stake. Remember, the war starts the moment you file. Once you file, all hell’s gonna break loose. You’ll barely have time to keep up with details that follow, much less play “catch-up” or track down any of the above.

Rule of thumb = Preparation means everything


A word from The List’s author

Although I consider my knowledge of family court to be extensive, I could never have compiled such a vast body of information alone.

My primary purpose in writing The List was to compile a “scattered” body of information into a single composition, something with a “voice,” something that would make “perfect sense” to a battered population of fathers in the throes of divorce. I wanted fathers caught in a hopeless situation to have hope.

Secondly, I wanted to provide “tools” whereby fathers could actively manager their case. Such information is either hidden or deliberately made unavailable to fathers who are crippled by a gender abusive system.

Third, I wanted to expose gender bias, the true terror of every family court setting. Indeed, until the evil of this judicial junta is exposed, nothing will change.

The List is nothing more than a “rough draft.” Nevertheless, The List in it’s current state is well worth sharing. I believe if The List helps even one father, my efforts will have been worth while. In reality, I have received resounding acclimation from many who visit dadsdivorce. In other words, The List is a hands-on guide that works.

Having said that, I’ll say this. If divorce is in your future, you’re about to discover how/why “rebuttable presumption” applies exclusively to you. Truth is, you’re facing a gender-biased system like no other. Unless you settle out of court, you’d just as well give your STBX everything she wants and save yourself a lot of time, trouble, and money. If you’re a contender however, it behooves you to be attentive to what follows. It’ll make a world of difference both now, and at trial.

It goes without saying, divorce is for keeps. Either you fight to the death or else lose everything. Those are the choices. Remember, once the decree is signed, each term and condition is set in stone. Regardless of what others tell you, there’s no second chance. That’s why it’s imperative to get a good start. Hopefully, that good start will result in a good finish.

The List provides hands-on strategies for winning. Without it, your chances of winning are slim to none. At the very least, you’ll come out a helluva lot better than had you not applied The List at all.

The List is based upon personal experience combined with experiences of others who’ve been thru Family Court. The information provided is based upon what works, what really works, and what’ll set you up to win. Conversely, The List also tells what doesn’t work, what really doesn’t work, and what is certain to set you up for failure.

Those of us from pre-internet days will recall an era when fathers were at the mercy of attorneys and the Family Court system. For those of us who dared, pro se became the option of necessity.

The system today however, is very well-entrenched, more so than ever. But with the advent of internet, today’s fathers can get the kind of help we couldn’t have imagined.

Granted, there are web sites that claim to offer help. Tragically however, few provide useful knowledge for fathers in trouble. If you’re looking for fluff, you won’t find it here. The information contained in The List is useable. More importantly, it’s doable.

No attorney will provide The List’s information for you. In fact, he may dissuade you from considering any of the following. Regardless, your only chance of winning is by applying The List’s principles to your situation. This is your job, and yours alone. With stakes this high, you’d be foolish to ignore The List’s content or allow anyone to perform these tasks for you.

If you’re a dad facing a contested divorce, your only priority is to fight with everything you can muster. It’s gotta be all or nothing!! Other priorities from henceforth no longer exist. BE FOREWARNED!! This is the most important war you’ll ever wage. Your opponent is formidable. Indeed, family Court is more than your worst nightmare. It’s hell on earth.

For starters, you must understand only one thing. The Family Court system is dominated, controlled, and otherwise regulated by man-eating feminists. They are part and parcel of a gender-biased branch of government that wields at-will discriminatory authority. As you will discover, they are contemporary social engineers of the highest order. Their job is to fabricate lies, put a spin on truth, and separate you from your children. Except for mother’s benefit, state statutes have zero relevance. Unless you’re thoroughly prepared, the judge will order whatever they want. This isn’t the Twilight Zone. This is Family Court!!

Having said that, I’ll say this. If you play Mr Congeniality or fail to prepare, the other side will rebut you out of fatherhood and into poverty. This is my only guarantee. Other than that, there are no guarantees.

By definition, the other side is everybody but you. Generally, this applies to your STBX. However, it also applies to the judicial junta that supports her. This junta is staffed with little Hitlers. They’re gangsters and you’re trespassing on their turf. They use a tag-team strategy like no other. Their collective goal is to encircle you and compel you to submit to their outrageous terms. Faultless parenting on your part means nothing to these thugs. Your one alternative is preparation. Indeed, is preparation is the only thing!!

If you’re not thoroughly prepared, they’ll establish psychological advantage early in the first quarter. They’ll have you dancing to their tune. They’ll have you trapped in their hall of smoke and mirrors. They’ll surprise you at every turn. They’ll maintain a full-court-press and force you to submit to less-than-favorable terms.

This is not where you want to be. If it is, your children will be out of your life forevermore. When all is said and done, your role as a father will be reduced to that of “visitor.” For all intents and purposes, your parental rights will be terminated. This is no lie. I speak from first-hand experience.

With that in mind, it is absolutely essential to build a strong case early in the game. This is no time for compromise. It must be all or nothing. This requires 100% effort: dedication; networking; (pro)active planning; (pro)active case management; endless research. Preparation is everything!! Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. I trust we are clear thus far.

Finally, The List is no mere body of suggestions. Additionally, it’s neither conclusive nor exhaustive. Instead, treat it as a manual of do’s and don’t’s. Although this sounds like an oxymoron, Family Court is an oxymoron all its own. It’s a venue where things are not as they seem. Its purpose is to deceive you at every turn. That’s why you must be prepared and stay on your toes. None of this is rocket science. However, it does take some getting used to.

The important thing is to follow The List in principle. Its purpose is to empower you with a mindset for victory. It’s a guide that’ll help you think, ask hard questions, and be prepared. Your job is to decide what works and what doesn’t. When you discover something that works, it’s imperative that you use it to your advantage. In other words, use The List as a guide to build a list of your own.

The List’s most important theme however, is that you stay on your toes, watch your back, and never give up. Moreover, never trust your STBX or anyone associated with Family Court. Your job is to perpetually anticipate other side’s next move and prepare accordingly.

At the onset, your most critical strategy is to create opportunities out of virtually nothing and leverage them into something significant, namely advantage. The idea is to compound opportunity upon opportunity. As new opportunities are generated, your advantage becomes exponentially leveraged. The trick however, is to maintain that advantage, thereby forcing your STBX to perpetually play catch-up. Ideally, she should never catch up. If she can’t catch up, she has no time to prepare for court. If she’s not prepared, your chances of winning are enhanced significantly. This is the recipe for your quest to victory. I trust we are clear thus far.

Tom Kirkpatrick
Author of The List