Archive for the ‘My Letters’ Category

A lot of what is written by me and other sphere bloggers is usually pretty negative.  Most of us do not end up here from positive circumstances.  Myself, I ended up here after my wife left me a few years ago.  Right after my wife left me I met a woman I will always remember.  The end of our relationship was pretty bad, but I never want to forget the good parts.  It is the good parts I live for.

The year+ I spent with her was probably one of the best years of my life for so many reasons.  First I want to say that many of my happiest times have been with women that I have been in love with.  It is something about loving that, well I love.  It’s not that I am particularly beta but I have always been willing to care deeply for a woman I am with, and even fall in love.  I hope I never become so hard of heart that I can no longer fall in love with a woman.  Breakup’s hurt for sure, but to me the temporary pain has always been worth the joy of being with the wonderful women I have dated and loved over the years.  Remember, it’s not beta to love.  It is beta to love ignorantly or naively. I am not still pining after her, because we had to breakup.  We would not have worked out in the long run.  Of course there were negatives, there are always a few, but I choose to concentrate on the good in all of my past relationships while learning from the bad parts.  I also want to mention that I am also completely happy being alone, as I am currently.  I sincerely believe that if a man cannot be happy alone he will never find happiness with a woman.  Being alone does not equate to being lonely.   Ok, on with the memories.

Christine was my rebound from after my wife left me, but I still don’t feel that our relationship was the normal post breakup one.  Who knows?  It’s the first time I had a marriage end and the first time I had jumped into another LTR right after.

I can still feel the joy in my heart remembering many of the good times had together.  These memories are sometimes triggered by a song, a picture, or even a scent. I can still feel her in my arms some nights when I am alone.  I think often of the amazing sex we had and how she was one of only a few women in my life who I connected to on that deep of a level.  She might have been my best actually.  I would say that there were so many more good times than bad when we were together.  I have a feeling that she still feels much the same way.  It was the look in her eyes, her smile and the giddiness the last time I saw her a couple of months ago.  I wish I would have met her a decade ago, things would have probably worked out better then.

I remember a trip we took to up north where I don’t remember loving someone so much is such a long time.  I remember the feel of her skin as my hand rested on her upper thigh as we drove through the countryside.  We picked apples on the way home that we found growing wild in a farmer’s field.  I remember how sweet her kisses were back then and wonderful her body looked in that white sundress.  We made love constantly that summer, giving all we had to each other.

Another memory I have is how I always felt wonderful every time we were together, even doing the simple things of everyday life.  I remember the many Sundays were we made love all day long and finally slept wrapped up tight together in each other arms.  I would make coffee while she dressed for work.  I loved making dinner for her.  I have yet to meet a woman who can out cook me.

I remember every time we went riding on her horses.  I remember the playfulness between us while we groomed Nuit and Tigger and the happiness on her face knowing that I was genuinely interested in her passion.  I miss those days where we would ride until the sun came down and spend the evening taking care of the horses then going to her house where I would cook dinner for both of us.  There was usually a shared shower in there somewhere.

With her I was able to feel totally comfortable and open, a feeling I rarely ever feel with anyone.  She was a good woman to me.  She was totally giving of herself, her spirit and her body.  Unfortunately my heart had not healed from my marriage ending and we would have never made it because of that.

The moral of this letter is simple.  Love smartly.  It is worth it.  Relationships and breakups happen.  They suck, but they only suck for a bit once a man figures himself out.  Do not be the man who is so hard of heart that he refuses to love.  I will always love her like I will always love my wife.  I may have hated some of their behaviors but I will always keep love in my heart instead of hate.

And remember the good times.

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A little Christmas Cheer for the STBX.

As for the girls, like you, I also don’t think they need their father.  You mentioned some nonsense to me before about how daughters needing their daddy’s but I am sure you were just trying to manipulate me into doing something for you at the time and you could not have really meant what you said.  Your present actions speak louder than some wayward conversation we may have had in the distant past anyways.  You and I both know that the courts think the same way and that fathers are an unnecessary component to any child upbringing.  Also the courts are never concerned with the wellbeing of men or how they will be able to survive nor should they be.

Maybe you have another man to replace me that you think would be better for them, or maybe he romances you better than I ever did.  Women in their 30’s are easily finding good husbands to marry them, and you are still relatively attractive for your age so you should have no problem meeting that perfect man to marry you.  And you won’ t even have to settle for any man you’re not head over heels in love with like you had to do with me.  Either way, as you expressed to me numerous times you want me out of their lives, so I am out, and I am making this choice willingly.  That means I don’t want to know anything about them and of course I don’t want any of the responsibility.  You cannot have your cake and eat it too you know.

So I decided that because you don’t want me in their lives I should just forget about them and just go back to the life I was living before we met, which was actually quite fun and exciting before meeting you.  I figure I can enjoy being a bachelor like I did before, partying with various young women doing what I want without consequence and I won’t have to worry about kids or anything else but myself.  It’s not like I would ever get the full commitment of any woman in my life.  I have even been thinking again about getting a vasectomy which I seriously wanted to do before I even met you.  That way I won’t have to be concerned with any more sudden and unplanned surprises.  Anyway it’s not like you really wanted to have sex all that much, nor will we ever do so again in the future.  As for remarriage, I see no point as it was a mistake the first time marrying any woman, because this is what always happens to us men or at least 90% of us because you women often are the ones who decide you don’t need us anymore for whatever reason.  Plus it’s just not popular to marry anymore.  We are only good for sperm donations and its time men should realize this and quit complaining.  The Rules have changed after all, plus I am sure you feel regret for not being able to have more fun when you were young.  I knew the risks, as did you.

Divorce is a good thing because your happiness is the most important thing you can ever strive for and Tara, you do deserve happiness irregardless of what you might have to do to get it and regardless of what anyone may think or say about what you are doing.  You have your pride after all.  Some people won’t understand all the crap and abuse you had to go through being married to me and how you say I committed adultery by looking at porn.  They may even try to tell you the kids will be messed up from their parents splitting up.  Don’t listen to them.  They do not know what they are talking about.  I know before you left me you had thought a lot about how much better your life would be without having a husband (like me) to think about.  Now that you left you are living the dream and soon you will be able to cash in.  All the power to live your life as you see fit is yours.  You have seen so many other woman succeed at what you’re doing such as your mother and my mother and things are good for both of them so why won’t they be for you too.  Both of them ended up very well I think.  Their children are no worse for going through the experience and most of their hardships were only temporary.

I thought this would be the best present I could give you and the girls.  As soon as you file for divorce and expedite its review, you can take everything I have left and rape me with child support payments I cannot afford, nor will I ever pay.  Then I will have to leave the area or maybe even the country for somewhere that’s more interesting so I can be free from you and the man.  I know if I sell the rest of my stuff I can live comfortably in Thailand for a few years or more.  I see no reason to stick around here seeing as I won’t have any more contact with you or my progeny as per your desires.

This letter is not a joke or a parody, quite the opposite.  This letter is just my acceptance of the present reality of the situation, our current laws, and your general dislike and disregard for me.  I suppose it’s the last stage of my grief and all of that so I am now good to finally move on.  I am happy I have finally gotten to this point.  Again this is not a joke, I feel much better about my being single again.  Aren’t you relived that I finally accept the inevitable and will give you the girls 100% so I can go off and party and do my own thing and leave you alone?  That is what you told me you wanted after all so as a gift I am giving it to you.  Sorry I didn’t have a bow.

BTW, Merry Christmas.