To me there is a profound difference in meaningless sex, or sex just for the act of ejaculation and passionate sex with a woman who I really love, care about, and trust.

My married sex life lacked the passionate sex I so craved all of the time.  I can count on my appendages the times that the sex was actually very good during my marriage.  It was not like my wife was not hot, she was.  She even tried to do things from time to time.  However we just never had that chemistry, or if we did, something else was screwed up between us.  I do blame a lot of our marriage problems of her feminist beliefs and her neo-Christianity.  I still think that had she not joined a gyno-centric church we would have made it and had had a good marriage.  Also she was very repressed about her own sexuality in general.  I once believed, albeit incorrectly, that this was a problem I needed to correct.

After many years of lame duty sex I thought I sucked at being a lover.  The lame sex in my marriage affected me deeply.  I began to doubt myself.  I felt inadequate.  I was dying inside, slowly over many years. After she left I doubted myself even more.  I felt worse.

I even spoke to a couple of my female clients about it while I was still married and they offered to “grade” me.  I declined their offers, which I regret doing so now.  After she left I noticed that with the variety of women I started banging that I was in fact a very good lover.  They not only told me so, they showed me with their sexual responses and their bodies.  I enjoyed the passion of the entire act from seduction and foreplay to post coitus cuddling.  My lovers enjoyed how I loved the entire act.  One particular woman I met after my wife left me brought out all of those many years of my sexual repression and my wife’s denial of my own sexual pleasure.  She allowed me to explore my sexuality in a safe environment and with her.  The one thing her and I had was a connection.  I always looked forward to our lovemaking.  For days after we made love I felt complete, I felt like a man.  These feelings compelled me to be a better man overall.  These feelings she aroused in me also compelled me to want to please her in every way.  I wanted to spend time with her when I could.  It was with her I no longer doubted my sexual abilities.  It was after her that all of my lovers showed me that I was ranked among their very best.  For that I will always be grateful to her.  Unfortunately, the relationship had to end for other reasons, but our time together will be counted as a fond memory of mine.

After that woman and some others I have had, I no longer desire meaningless sex with just any woman.  It is more than knowing I am the prize and my natural aloofness.  It is that in a loving relationship where we both love and trust each other a connection happens that leaves me feeling full.  It is that connection that I am seeking.  I know there will be meaningless sex along the way, but I will always seek out the “connection” that makes me a better man.

I know couples that have that connection.  I have spoken to both men and women about their sex lives.  The best relationships are those where they both can feel open and honest with each other to not only express their fantasies but explore them with each other.  I think this woman gets it from the female point of view.  Another thing I noticed is that when a woman embraces her own and her man’s sexuality he will normally stop desiring other women and desire to commit to only her.  I think that women who have a problem with their men looking at porn should take heed to this.  If he can equate that full feeling and connection that (he craves with you) to having sex with you, then I don’t see porn being a problem in your relationship.

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Comments
  1. Reblogged this on girlwithadragonflytattoo and commented:
    This writer has been through the ringer, and has come out with wisdom and knowledge on marriage and sex. Its not surprising to me that he attributes wanting to be a better man to being fulfilled sexually by the woman he loves and is connected to. God’s design for marriage (a crucial part) was to have an amazing sex life, and I’m convinced that both men and women benefit from living this through.

  2. […] Is sex between an unmarried man and women in a loving, committed, monogamous relationship inherently…? […]

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