By: MonkeyWerks

This is a response to this essay by The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo which I found quite interesting as it correlates to events in my personal life.  I was going to comment on her blog but, well, I can be quite verbose so I posted here.  She is worth checking out though.  She has written several very good articles I am sure would be of interest to all of you as well.

Both men and women do in fact change during the course of a marriage, especially a long one of many years.  However I do not think they change from who they fundamentally are. After thinking about this subject a few years back I determined that people do not change who they are, they really just become better versions of themselves.  If a woman has a certain set of beliefs, values and ideologies, she will normally, and I have never seen anything to the contrary, keep and modify those long held beliefs and ideologies and wrap them up in different packaging in order to justify whatever decisions she makes or had made in the past. I see this most often in women who start going to church or those who become “born again”.  These women will oftentimes use the bible to justify whatever decision they need to make even ones that ultimately hurt her family and in many circumstances actually contradict long held biblical doctrine and teachings.

In my personal experiences the women I have met and knew intimately held the same core beliefs from their late teens up to their present ages 10 and 20 years later.  Those beliefs allowed them to make irresponsible decisions in the past and are the same beliefs that heavily influence their present behaviors but with the added justification and moral cover of their “new” found religious beliefs.  This provides them the moral cover for such irresponsible and harmful decisions such as justifying adultery or frivolously divorcing their husbands.

As for Matt Walsh, I think Walsh caters to women and the feminine imperative to the detriment of positive masculine values which in turn is utterly harmful to whatever future we may have as a society.  Yes I am giving him far too much credit in his influence, but what he writes about and HOW he states things is the message that is far too common in supposed conservative circles.  Walsh will discourage a man from divorcing his wife who is not performing her duties in the marriage (sex) yet from the other side of his mouth gives women the moral cover telling them it’s ok to divorce your husband just because he looks at porn, because looking at porn=adultery, which of course is usually just a symptom of the wife not doing her wifely duties (sex), getting fat, being a bitch in general, etc.  He thinks all women are princesses yet we have never in history seen more feral females than what is now the prevalent female persona in our society. Women today are anything but special snowflake princess angels.

Women will divorce their husbands who, for no other reason, no longer get their juices flowing and who are great men, husbands and fathers and who are very committed to their marriages and work their asses off for their families.  The modern church supports all of these women whatever their excuses may be for nuking her marriage and blowing up her family.  She commits adultery, it’s ok, your husband was not paying enough attention to you, he lost his job, it’s cool with us, little princess needs a new husband who makes more, you were promiscuous before marriage and yet you refuse to give your husband head because you blew an entire football team one night at a party, its ok, your forgiven and shame on your husband for demanding you do that for him.  Don’t you know that husbands are not entitled to sex with their wives.  It makes no difference that he took a HUGE chance in marrying a reformed (cough) slut, and you never told him the truth about your sordid sexual past anyways and lied when you told him you only had sex with that one guy when your partner count could be a who’s who of your old neighborhood, high school and college campus. I can use numerous examples but we have all heard and read about the stories.

I want to highlight a particular section of the authors essay and respond to it in detail.

SEXUAL CHANGES I think, are probably the most common kind of change that occurs in a marriage, with usually one spouse deciding that they don’t like or need sex anymore, and refusing to try to fix the problem because it would inconvenience them to be told that they have an obligation to meet their spouse’s sexual needs. 

ROM: This happens pretty much exclusively with the wife.  She is no longer attracted to her husband and really just found sex with him repulsive.  Many women see no need to having sex with their husbands after they have children.  Today’s churches do not correctly teach what the bible clearly states about sexual obligations and responsibilities of both husbands and wives.  The husband owns his wife’s body and likewise his wife owns her husband’s body and that they NEED to come together (have sex) often enough to diminish or eliminate sexual temptations.  What the modern femcentric church and our society teach women is that men should NEVER have any expectations to sex with their wives, or any woman for that matter.  This deprives the other spouse what is lawfully theirs and is inherently sinful.  This will often times lead men to look at porn and in some cases actual affairs.

What seems to be common, although unspoken about in any church or by any marriage counselor is that many of these woman have had sexual adventures prior to the marriage. She may have had 1 or 50, it matters by degrees.  If she is an alpha widow with even only 1 or 2 previous sexual partners who were the proverbial hawt alphas she can be as damaged, by her inability to pair bond, as the woman who has had numerous casual sexual encounters. 

There are even marriages where a wife (although it can be the other way as well) tells her husband to have a mistress, and to be ok with allowing someone else to meet his needs in that way.  I was listening to Dennis Prager, a Jewish radio talk show host, (and the inspiration for this post), when he pointed out that the U.S. is practically the only country or culture who looks down on this kind of behavior, that in most other countries, having mistresses is a normal (acceptable if kept quiet) thing. 

ROM: It had been well documented that women like men who other women like.  Its called pre-selection.  Most women will not overtly tell you to cheat, but they want to know that you can at any time.  This makes them really tingle down there.  In most other countries men and women do not hold to the outdated puritanical view of sexuality and nudity as we American do, however this does not necessarily mean that they have more sex or are more promiscuous.  (I have to research this still) It means that they accept the nude human form for its innate beauty.  Yes, I could totally be a nudist, although I am pretty conservative on most other things.  Women will line up for 5 minutes from an alpha man before settling for 10 years of a beta chump.  Male infidelity is also so much less harmful than female infidelity for a host of reasons, the man unknowingly raising a child not his own just one of them. 

Obviously, if you’re Christian, you know this is not the way God intended for marriage to be.  Monogamy can be wonderful if you have a spouse who understands what they’ve committed to, and is able to maintain a healthy sex life in your marriage.  Or monogamy can mean a life sentence of sexual frustration, or even celibacy! 

ROM: Even in the bible there is NOT ONE MENTION requiring a man to remain a virgin until marriage.  In fact many of the men in the bible had actual or soft harems.  Is it realistic to emulate that in today’s society?  Sure it is.  Is it Christian?  Probably not?  Could it benefit a marriage where the wife rejects her husband’s sexual needs?  If the marriage has devolved to this point and the man is just trying not to get divorce raped, yes.  I would state though that it is better to first NEVER MARRY and then if married to such a woman, its past time to leave her.

One important thing to realize however is that healthy stable women will take care of their husbands needs out of love for him, self sacrifice and submission.  This is true even for non-believing women who practiced discretion in their lives regarding their sexual urges prior to being married.

There is something beautiful and wonderful about one woman who you love above all others fulfilling your every desire and fantasy. I do still believe that is what God intended.  He did not intend for women to become “born again” sluts who now act like their pussy is gold and the only position now acceptable is missionary once a month.

Both men and women are designed to have sex and enjoy it…ALOT!!  Celibacy forced or otherwise is unnatural and even harmful. 

Either way, when one spouse changes in this way, it is incredibly unfair to the other, and usually leads to affairs and divorce.

ROM: Any man who is not getting what he needs from his wife in quantity and quality, aside from childbirth, sickness, and only a few other justifiable reason should consider leaving his marriage after balancing the risks vs. rewards of divorce.  In this modern feminist environment no man owes a woman anything, especially when he is not getting his basic needs met.

The best thing to do in this situation is to try to convince the spouse to go to counseling to save the marriage, to understand what marriage even means.  Most times, the spouse who loses sexual interest doesn’t understand how much it truly affects the other.  Counseling can sometimes open their eyes so to speak, however, there are many times that even counseling doesn’t prompt the spouse to change, and the other is left with a lifetime of misery and frustration – or choosing to divorce and find someone who cares about their needs. (original authors emphasis)

ROM: Marriage counseling is an absolute waste of time for men. Most women do not have any sense of empathy for what their husbands need from them.  Men who go to counseling will only get henpecked by not 1 but 2 people (his wife and the counselor) about all the things he is doing wrong, which if changed still will not fix the marriage in the majority of cases. Women will never outright state what she needs from a man.  He is expected to “Just Get It”.

Religion caused the breakup of my marriage.  My feminist ex-wife joined a church that matched her feminist beliefs but with a cover of “Jesus loves you and you can do no wrong” and “you are forgiven so you don’t have to take responsibility for your action” or “suffer the consequences”.  Of course this covers 90% of Protestant denominations.  When her church’s teaching conflicted with my mission, goals and plans for my family I finally told her we are, as a family, going to join another church.  Yes of course her input would not only sought out but encouraged in that search.  Instead she argued some nonsense that was preached the previous Sunday.  She left the next morning and she never came back except to get her stuff.  I can’t make this stuff up.

The last time I checked the bible stated pretty plainly the man was the spiritual head of the family.  I guess her church never got around to that particular lesson in the 5+ years she attended there.

If your wife changes and becomes a better version of herself based upon long held feminist ideologies, beliefs and values, and external influences such as religion, a particular church, her workplace or friends are causing her to behave irresponsibly and detrimentally to the family and the marriage, it may be time to call it quits.

Although I personally detest divorce, I would never discourage a man from leaving his wife if she “changes” and is no longer an overall asset to his life or his mission.  Too many men remain married to nagging, obese, overbearing and unpleasant women who shorn their hair and take deliberate action to eliminate whatever femininity they used to posses.   Marriage 1.0 is forever gone and along with it any duty a man may have had towards his wife.  Modern women do not think they have any responsibility in the marriage save for telling her husband what he is doing wrong and as one woman actually told me “the only problem I have with what you’re doing right now is that it’s not what I want you to be doing”.  Needless to say we are no longer together.  I was surprised at her honesty though.  In most cases I would always counsel against men ever getting married.  It’s just not worth the risk, and it can be just as or more rewarding to remain single than risk losing it all in divorce court.

Changes in behaviors never occur in a vacuum.  There are usually outside influences.  We need to be observant in the behavior changes in our wives.  It could indicate a bigger problem is afoot.

To the author, you seem like you give of yourself and your body freely to your husband as he desires.  If you do, I commend you from the bottom of my heart.  I hope you can influence the younger woman you meet to do the same.  Even though I do not always agree with all of your observations I do enjoy reading your perspective on these important topics and hope that you continue to share your words with us.  By the way, Thank You for the concern you showed for me a few months ago, a little caring even from a stranger meant a lot to me.

  1. Emily says:

    Yeah you are changes in the spouse ultimately leads to divorce.

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