I was thinking about the frame the relationship was in. Because of her stated reasons for ending the relationship were primarily financial, which was only a part of it, I thought I would delve deeper into the financial frame our that was set in our relationship. To start financially I am in a pretty bad place, one that I have never been in before. My challenges although seemingly complex can be dealt with but I just needed time, like in the neighborhood of 1-2 years to be back to where I was.
She made more money than me, a lot more actually. I did not have a problem with and it did not make me feel inadequate by any means. I felt that I would be where I wanted to be financially in a reasonable amount of time.
Although I was working at making sure I kept the correct frame to our relationship so it may succeed long-term, I noticed that C was resisting that frame because of my lack of financial resources and her general resistance to any form of headship or leadership by a man. I thought that what I was doing was correct because it would help to build happiness and contentment in our relationship. About mid-point to our relationship we talked about being together long-term, living together and me running one of my business’s out of our new house. She had the money to make it happen and I had the brains. Neither of us could move forward without the other. That was the reality of the situation, but it was win/win. It was not the first thing I would have liked to do because it reduced some of my overall control over our relationship and I would have to Game her much harder and more consistently in order to maintain a high level of attraction and satisfy her hypergamous nature and inclinations. This would have taken a huge amount of effort and that comfortable place in any relationship would never been experienced. I do understand her need to feel secure in all respects but everything she did throughout her life and her decisions actually hurt her overall long-term security and happiness. This was something I was attempting to help her avoid, and I now realize how White Knightish this mindset was.
I was willing to consider this option due to the time saved if I did something similar on my own. She benefited by my knowledge and my commitment to her. I would be giving her that last chance at a successful relationship if she did not fuck it up. I benefited by making an environment where I could immediately start thriving and rebuilding what I had previously lost. I would also have had a good home environment for my two daughters, at least that was what I led myself to believe at the time.
She even brought up the idea of her having a child which I told her she was insane because she is waaaay to old and of course I noted her questionable past. That might have been when I put the brakes on this plan. She also wanted me to retire her in 2-3 years and pay over $14k/yr for the maintenance of her 2 horses. It was the issue with her horses that ultimately caused the plan to fail in her mind. See the article on women with horses and you will understand this better.
Even when my business was doing well, due to reoccurring expenses my take home pay was just a little over what was needed to live the basic yet good lifestyle my family and I lived at the time. I took the remaining funds and reinvested them into the company in things such as new equipment and research and development. I taught my ex-wife to clean like a Marine in the beginning of our marriage because she did not know how because I wasn’t going to clean the fucking house. I led her to set up a cleaning business when the opportunity presented itself. I also taught her how to run such a business instead of just letting her sit on her ass and get fat. The money she made from her business went into the household expenses. This gave her something profitable to do and took some stress off of me. The problem with this plan was that I did not control the money that was made. I didn’t even check on her accounts often enough. So my plans flaws encouraged her in some ways to not only become independent of me but it gave her that little bit of encouragement for her to break up the marriage when she saw fit to do so.
What I should have done was control the money she made and gave her an allowance as needed. Now this brings up the issue with C. C makes more money, she repeatedly stated I needed to make much more than her so she could become the dependant one and help me with my businesses. What she really wanted to do was to quit her job and ride her horses all day. She would often state that when a woman makes more than the man there are problems because it makes the man feel insecure. This might be true for a STHD or ultra beta maybe, but I did not feel threatened by this situation. She was seeing my income level as not only a point of qualification for long-term provisioning but possibly as a means to justify to herself that entering my frame was ok. One of her biggest fears by giving me control was that I would be unwilling to pay for her horses. She would always tell me she felt that I would consider them “frivolous” expenses, which I did actually. My thoughts were if the extra money was there and the effort to generate the funds were minimal I MIGHT not give a shit, but working by the hour, no fucking way was I going to waste $14k/yr on animals as a hobby or entertainment. If she wanted her horses she would have to work and still pay half of the household expenses. She is not young or hot enough to demand anything else. I would always discuss with her options and plans but if a decision needed to be made, I would make regardless of how much she bitched about it, and I would never apologize for leading my household. She did not like this and even if I was to pay for her horses the same problems would still be there and I would end up in her frame. Much of our disagreements stemmed from her lip service to being a good submissive woman. I knew deep down I could never Game her into submission because she was permanently fucked up and no amount of Game or alpha would fix that.
The only way things could have worked is if I controlled all the finances in the relationship regardless of who generated the majority of it. I would also have to pretty much rule the roost in all other areas without question. Although she made good money at her job, she was still irresponsible with her cash flow. She paid a lot of taxes in her bracket by being single. Her horses consumed about 30% of her income on average and although she could have lived quite comfortably on the rest she was still always cash poor, which I never understood. She did have some non-liquid assets, but those assets were in large part originally generated by her now deceased first husbands (fiancé of 13 years) estate. She stated that because she cook, clean, and ran the books for this man she helped build the estate, although it was his skills that actually built the companies he owned. For example she was over $105k in consumer (credit card) debt when we met. There was no reason for her to have generated this level of debt and although it is very common for single women in this day and age to have such large debt, the amount seemed far more than the norm to me.
I taught her a process to greatly reduce her debt and then eliminate it like a good white knight. Just because I happened to be broke did not mean my mind was broke or that I did not have the skills to manage finances in a responsible way. Even though, I guess I failed in her eyes to “prove my worth” to her by not rebuilding my company up fast enough and by my desire to live a more simple life with greatly reduced expenses. It’s all bullshit from her I realize, but I wanted to point this out. I guess she figured that because she chose a career and animals over a man when she was younger that she would still be able to control every man she was involved with. If I had money she would have been butter to me, but because I did not desire to chase the almighty dollar I was apparently of little long-term use to her.
If I did not express my thoughts about my desire for a simpler financial life I am fairly confident she would have seen me as someone who could fulfill her Hypergamy and would have chosen to lock me down via marriage or at a minimum cohabitation as she expressed quite plainly soon into our relationship. But it was her Hypergamous nature that compelled her to end the relationship. However, I do find it baffling that such a woman (at 45yrs old) is still being that choosy when she has very obviously hit the wall and her prospects for a committed and loving LTR are just about gone, if not totally expired. I have noticed this in other similarly situated woman, as many other men also have. She told me several times I was to be her last relationship, which I did not believe for an instant. I guess its cougarville and a bunch of cats for her next, or she will have to rush to find that beta provider, which she has already has I am afraid. I know I am the last alpha she will have the opportunity to be in a real LTR with, and I do think she honestly realized that. I was still in the LTR (beta) mindset after my marriage failure and she took full advantage of that and my heartbreak and worked hard to show me she could be a good replacement for my ex-wife. I was playing the odds at the time and the older women do seem very enthusiastic to get with a man even if he is only a little alpha. Now I don’t disagree with being in a loving committed and monogamous relationship if a man’s needs are being met and the woman is pleasant, but such a relationship is becomes dangerous for a man as soon as he is not getting his needs and desires met and who does not set the frame to HIS reality in such a relationship. When men fail to set the frame we have Oneitis and the relationship is in the woman’s frame which does nothing but to encourage her hypergamous nature and increase the likelihood of the man being left due to the loss of attraction his woman will have for him.
In the end she did me a favor by ending our relationship when she did. For various reasons, which I will explain in later essays, I wished to remain in the relationship, even though I knew for a fact I could do so much better. I am now convinced that my mindset was doomed to failure and my unhappiness would almost be guaranteed later as she aged more and started menopause. I had even tried to unsuccessfully convince myself that she was a better choice for various reasons than chasing young hotties because of her maturity and business skills. Now I realize the fallacy in the way I was thinking. The Red Pill has helped me to see this and those principles greatly reduced the shock and negative emotions I would have otherwise felt from her ending our relationship. At last it is over and this relationship will have to go out like yesterdays garbage. At least I am not burdened by any desire to reconnect with her again.
I write these essays based on my experiences so other man can see these common issues in their relationships. Most of these things I write about are issues that are occurring or have occurred in my past and it was not until after the issue, relationship, or the chance to fix something had expired that I realized the dynamics that were involved. Of course I am learning not to do the things that I found to be detrimental. By documenting these things, other men can have the information to make changes in the ways that is most profitable for them and their relationships.
This is a working group so we can all learn. I would like input on this from my readers. Where did I go wrong? Where did I go right?
I want to note that she was obviously never bride material and she would never have gotten a ring from me, but I was willing to take a limited calculated risk to commit to her for at least a few years while I got back on my feet. If we did not work out we would both still realize profits from the venture and that’s how I looked at it.
- Don’t Date a Horse Chick (thereinventionofman.wordpress.com)
- I am Single Again (And I Should Have Been All Along) (thereinventionofman.wordpress.com)
- Free Report – What does a horse really cost? (onlineequine.wordpress.com)
- Household Budgeting: Secrets to Marital and Money Bliss (quicken.intuit.com)
- 1 Horse Dies Every 10 Seconds – Protect Your Assets (trustedchoice.com)